


745

by delcatty



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Ayahina Week, Cannibalism, Drabble, F/M, Families of Choice, Family, Future Fic, Introspection, Kissing, Non-Linear Narrative, Pregnancy, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-01
Updated: 2016-03-01
Packaged: 2018-02-19 12:14:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 19
Words: 11,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2387915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delcatty/pseuds/delcatty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fueguchi Hinami wasn’t like other little girls. Fueguchi Hinami ate people.</p><p>(Wherein Kaneki dies, Ayato joins Anteiku, and Hinami simply tries to survive.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. comedy (ten)

**Author's Note:**

> once i'm done i'll probably put them all in order, but i don't know when i'll be done so here. have some disjointed and jumbled ramblings about the precious baby hinami pre and post tokyo ghoul. 
> 
> this is an universe where kaneki really did die when he faced arima (and is not hanging around as haise).

Fueguchi Hinami was young when she knew she wasn’t like other little girls.

She wasn’t trying to be special when she said this. Truly, more than anything, she wanted to be like the other girls.

Hinami wanted to go to school. She wanted to join clubs, and have friends. She wanted to go the library after school to do homework and read for hours on end.

But Fueguchi Hinami wasn’t allowed to be a normal little girl, because she _wasn’t_ a normal little girl.

Fueguchi Hinami ate people.


	2. monochrome rainbow (thirteen)

The book shop had been nearly empty that day, and Hinami had spent over an hour going through all of the shelves looking for the next book she wanted to read.

She was pleased that her mother was smart enough to take them on a Wednesday morning, just after ten. Most people were in school or at work, so there was less chance of danger while they were out.

The book she now had her eye on was by an author Hinami had never read before – Takatsuki Sen, her name was. _Monochrome Rainbow_ , it was recently released.

“Don’t you think that’s a little too old for you, Hinami?” her mother asked, concerned. “I’ve read some of her previous works. They’re quite graphic.”

Hinami shook her head. She had turned thirteen a few months ago, she wasn’t a child anymore.

“No, I’d like this one, please.”

“Hmm, if you’d like,” her mother said with a smile.

Later that night, Hinami struggled with another word in the book and wondered why her father was so late coming home.

 


	3. ayato (fourteen)

Hinami was fourteen when the Anteiku survivors got a new member.

When Touka first brought her little brother to their newest hideout six months after the raid on Anteiku, Hinami found herself afraid of Kirishima Ayato.

Logically, she knew she shouldn’t have been. Touka was beside him, Yomo was in front of her, and Nishiki watched the boy with startling seriousness. Even Uta and Itori would be close by if anything happened.

There was no way he would get to her before any of them stopped him.

But Ayato was Aogiri Tree ( _was_ , she repeated to herself, _not anymore_ ) and Hinami hadn’t been so removed from Kaneki’s plans before the raid that she had been ignorant to their existence.

More than that, he was only fifteen. Kirishima Ayato was one year older than her, and that scared her.

Her brother had defeated Ayato before which gave Hinami small measure of comfort. It didn’t last very long, when she remembered that her brother wasn’t around anymore. She tried not to think about it.

She couldn’t imagine how many people Kirishima Ayato had killed, and he was only fifteen. However, she wasn’t as innocent as most thought. She knew they needed him and his expertise in fighting. 20th Ward was as dangerous as ever after the raid, with the manager and dozens of other ghoul deaths still lingering heavily on her mind. ( _Brother, brother, brother_.)

But at that moment, Hinami was mostly afraid that since they were so close together in age, that Touka would expect them to play together, or to hang out, or like each other. But Hinami didn’t know what this boy would want to do.

He looked mature, like he could read any of Takatsuki Sen’s novels and know all the words in it without having to ask for help. He looked as though he hadn’t drawn a picture or played with a toy for years. Hinami realised quickly how young she was, how sheltered her parents and Touka and Kaneki had kept her.

She needed to change that.

“Ayato?” she asked gently. The boy in question turned to her. “I like your headband.”

He was indeed wearing a headband. Hinami recalled his sister wearing one too while she studied.

Ayato lifted his hand to his head and grimaced, as though he had forgotten it was there. He left it alone, though.

“My hair gets in the way,” he said, and Hinami swore he was being petulant. Perhaps he wasn’t that much older than her after all.

 


	4. monsters (five)

Hinami wasn’t allowed to watch the news. Hinami wasn’t allowed to watch the television at all really, but her mother was downstairs in the kitchen and her father was at work.

The television in the lounge was turned down low when Hinami walked in looking for her crayons.

Hinami was only five years old, but she could understand some words as long as they weren’t too long or complicated. But she understood what was being said on the television now.

“ _Two ghouls have been exterminated by the CCG this afternoon in the fourth ward. Investigators have reported that they were male and female in appearance. No investigators were harmed_. _Ogura Hisashi is here to tell us more–_ ”

“Hinami,” her mother called out to her. Hinami scrambled towards the television and turned it off, “come down and help me with the washing, okay?”

Hinami walked down the stairs with the words going over and over through her head.

That night was the first time humans were the monsters under her bed. It wasn’t the last.


	5. the daughter investigator (sixteen)

Hinami had only been thirteen at the time, but she would never forget the face of the man who killed her mother. Twisted wide eyes and a cruel smile that haunted her worst nightmares at night when all she wanted was the feeling of her mother’s hands running through her hair.

In some strange way, the woman in front of her reminded her of that same man.

“I’m sorry,” the woman murmured and pulled her hand away from the last packet of bird seed, “you can have it.”

The woman was refined and beautiful in the way that Hinami knew was the very opposite of herself. Sharp and clean, all cool colours wrapped up in a crisp black suit.

Hinami hadn’t brushed her hair that morning, and was wearing an old scarf of her mother’s. She was sure the dark sunglasses she was wearing made her look silly, but she hadn’t been outside in weeks. Her appearance didn’t matter.

Hinami shook her head. “No, it’s okay. I don’t need it. I was just stocking up Loser’s supply.”

It was only thanks to Yomo’s quick thinking that the bird survived the raid in the first place. After the shock of losing Kaneki two years ago, Hinami hadn’t been much use for a long time. Neither had Tsukiyama. It was Yomo and Banjou who had stepped up to fill in the leadership voids Mr. Yoshimura and her brother had left behind, although neither did so with much enthusiasm or relish.

She was happy she still had Loser. Even Touka had warmed up to the bird after a while.

For a second, it looked as though the woman wasn’t going to ask. But she, like most, gave in. “You named your bird ‘Loser’?”

Hinami was used to the question. “It sort of came with him,” she replied, and glanced down at the woman’s basket, noting the cat food. “You have a bird _and_ a cat? That’s brave of you.”

The woman looked down at her basket and shrugged. “Maris Stella bought in a bird last night. I managed to save it before any damage could be done, but it doesn’t seem to want to leave.”

Hinami giggled. “That’s sweet.”

“I couldn’t just let it die. I’m not that cruel,” the woman replied strangely. “We always had animals growing up, so I’m used to them.”

“Ah, I wish I could have! We moved around too much to keep a pet.”

“That’s a shame,” the woman said as she picked up the bird seed and placed it into her basket. “Thank you for this.”

Hinami nodded and smiled. “No problem!”

The woman nodded and turned around to leave, startling Hinami.

“Oh!” she exclaimed. The woman turned around. “I’m Hinami, by the way.”

The woman paused for a moment and seemed to deliberate. “Akira,” she responded and smiled back.

“It was a pleasure to meet you, Akira!” 


	6. mask (fourteen)

“Aah,” Uta observed, “you have decided you would like a mask of your own?”

Hinami frowned, and touched her cheek absentmindedly. “How did you know?”

Although she rarely come to his own studio on her own for no reason, she had also never shown any interest previously in hiring Uta to make her a mask. It had never been an issue previously. But things had changed since then.

“I have a talent, and you can’t keep borrowing a generic one every time you go out, so I’ll make you one,” he drawled, “A mask similar to how Kaneki’s looked, perhaps?”

Hinami frowned, causing Uta to smile wryly. “Not like Kaneki’s then?”

“Of course not,” she responded, baffled and hurt simultaneously. “Mr. Uta, that’s… that’s not a good idea.”

Disregarding her comment, Uta brought his hands up to her head and threaded his fingers through her hair. He angled her head around and hummed.

“You wouldn’t suit a mask like Kaneki’s anyway,” he said quietly, “since it would be a shame to cover up such a pretty face.”

“Isn’t that the point of a mask, though?”

“Hmm. It is, isn’t it?” Uta rested his thumbs over her cheekbones and moved them around. “How about a half mask, or one that only covers your eyes?”

“Maybe I shouldn’t get one anyway,” she murmured, “since the CCG already know what I look like. There’s not a lot of point in a mask.”

After all, the CCG had been able to figure out her brother’s identity despite his desperate measures to keep it a secret. What was the point when a mask only slowed them down?

Uta looked at her contemplatively before shrugging. “I suppose you’re right,” he said easily, “but there is still a chance that they have forgotten your face, or that those who saw your face that night have passed on. It wouldn’t be too farfetched – they’re in a dangerous business.” He paused and looked at her face intently. “You have grown up quite a lot as well, Hinami. I doubt they would even recognise you.”

“Hm, you think?”

“I think, but I do not know,” he said easily, “but I know I would like to make you a mask regardless. A butterfly mask.”

Hinami thought about her mother’s kagune, and then her brother’s association with insects, and shrugged. “Okay.”


	7. mother (thirteen)

Hinami loved her father, but she missed her mother most of all.

Her father had worked long hours to provide for them, and then occasionally would hunt for all three of them afterwards if the local morgue was in low supply. Her mother would stay at home and teach Hinami things, whether they were educational or just useful tips, during the day. This meant Hinami spent a lot of time with her mother, time where they bonded.

Hinami got angry when she thought about her mother.

The investigators denied her mother the right to live and delegated her to a statistic that needed to be evened.

Fueguchi Ryouko was more than just a number to Hinami.

Fueguchi Ryouko was a mother, and a wife. She liked to knit cardigans and hats and gloves for her family in the winter, and would carefully cultivate an entire garden of blossoming roses in the summer simply because she liked the smell.

She had never killed a human in her entire life.

“Are you okay, Hinami?” Touka asked her as she set the newspaper down in front of her. Since Hinami refused to watch television, the paper – and her friends – was often her only source of information.

Hinami was angry. She remembered simultaneously her mother fitting her for a new coat with her mother’s screams as Kaneki held her back. She remembered the smell of her mother’s roses with the smell of her blood in the air, tainting everything.

She looked down at the paper, noted the deaths of four investigators in as many weeks, and smiled.

“I’m fine.”

Hinami was angry.


	8. black eyed susans (fourteen)

She doesn’t dare bring up the issue with Touka. She already knew what her answer would be the moment she thought of the idea, so she bypassed her entirely. Not so much for ethical reasons, but for safety – Touka wouldn’t even condone it, let alone help her. 

Banjou and Yomo were out of the question as well. Although she trusted them both with her life they would decline as well for different reasons. She had to find someone else. She would ask the one person she knew would be more than willing to help her. But she had to find him first. 

Hinami hadn’t seen Tsukiyama since they all escaped after the Anteiku raid. She vividly remembered the feeling of looking down at his body, his mind lost to the grief of losing Kaneki, and feeling the same sadness well up in her. 

If her parent’s deaths taught her anything, it was that life didn’t wait for you to grief. Life would take away your brother – the hunter and breadwinner – and leave you with nothing, never allowing you a moment to simple cry over your loss. Then, life would take your mother. Then it would be you, all alone, and that is when grieving becomes an unaffordable luxury. 

Hinami remembered all the money Tsukiyama spent on them during those – comparable – wonderful six months. Tsukiyama was the epitome of luxury. 

But still, Hinami was well aware that Tsukiyama had never had grief touch him before, and certainly not so intimately. Kaneki had always confided in her about him – “don’t trust Tsukiyama, Hina – he’s trouble” – she had never felt any ill intent from Tsukiyama. Although now that she was a little older, she could look back and assume that he was only nice to her in an attempt to get Kaneki to believe he had really turned a corner, or perhaps to get her on his side. It worked to a degree. 

Which was probably why Nishiki seemed so concerned when she expressed her desire to see him again, months after the raid. 

“Why do you want to know where he is?” Nishiki had said curiously when she asked. “I thought you would’ve been happy when his family took him out of your hands. Anyway, Kaneki certainly never liked the guy.” 

“Tsukiyama really liked my brother,” she replied, and barely understood the words that left her mouth. “I just want to make sure he’s alright. It’s been a while, after all.” 

Big brother had known that Tsukiyama had his uses. Despite her fondness for the man, Hinami knew that as well. 

The man in question was staying in an apartment that looked like it cost more money than she would see in her entire life. It stunk of coffee and humanity and decay. She didn’t care. His purple haired manservant sneered when he let her inside at Tsukiyama’s behest. 

“Things are dangerous right now,” she began simply. “So I want to learn how to hunt humans. Can you help me?” 

The grin that twisted itself across Tsukiyama’s dirtied face was one she wasn’t used to seeing. She was well aware the man had always kept up appearances when around her and Kaneki, but this was something different entirely. 

But she didn’t back down. He had always unnerved her in a way, but she wasn’t a child anymore. She was the one who saved his life, after all. 

“Master Shuu–,” his manservant began, only to be ignored. 

“Oh, _mademoiselle_ , my darling,” Tsukiyama cooed. He bent down and smiled at her charmingly. She wondered if he was seeing her, or her brother. His cheeks were sunken and the bags around his eyes looked as though he hadn’t slept for days upon days. His clothes were ruined and streaked with blood and saliva and other fluids she’d rather not think about. He hadn’t been truly charming in a long time, she noted coldly. “It would be my honour to teach you how to kill.” 


	9. kagune (fifteen)

“Ayato,” Hinami cooed. She knew people melted when she acted cute towards them, and she wasn’t above using it to her advantage. “Ayato, I need your help.”

Ayato, however, was not as susceptible to her charms as Banjou or Tsukiyama, or even his sister.

“Hm?” he asked absently. He held a book in his hand – it was one of hers.

“Teach me?”

He looked up curiously. “Teach you what?” he asked hesitantly. “Because Touka would murder me if I kissed you.”

Hinami felt her face go red, and waved her hands around quickly.

“No, no!!” she exclaimed, “No, please teach me to use my kagune.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Don’t you already know how to do that? Wasn’t that Gourmet freak teaching you?”

“No, Tsukiyama is teaching me something else,” she said with finality, and hoped he wouldn’t ask.

“ _He’s_ not teaching you to kiss, is he?”

“No!” she exclaimed loudly. “No, no, ick! No, he’s... he’s teaching me how to hunt.”

Ayato let out an unattractive snort. “Okay, whatever. Get him to teach you how to use your kagune then. You share a type, right?”

“One of them,” she admitted. “But he’s not the best teacher when it comes to combat. He uses words I’ve never heard before to explain things, and he’s exhausting,” she confessed. “You’re calmer, most of the time, and I think you’d be a good teacher.”

Ayato looked unconvinced. “I might be in even more trouble if I taught you how to fight, though,” he admitted, “and we might get caught fighting, since there aren’t many inconspicuous places for us left.”

“Uta made me a mask a while ago,” she offered. “So we wouldn’t be recognised, at least. Plus, you’re strong enough to protect both of us if the worst happens!”

Ayato frowned and sighed. “Fine. But we don’t tell Touka or Yomo about this,” he warned. “I’m already walking a fine line here.”

Hinami nodded and giggled before she bounced over to him and smooched his cheek.

“Thank you, Ayato!”


	10. raw (ten)

Film night was special to the Fueguchis. It was the only night of the week that Hinami and her mother demanded that her father came home early so they could spend time together before Hinami had to go to bed.

Every Sunday one of them would choose a movie, and they would crowd onto their little couch and watch it from start to finish. Hinami’s father liked comedies that were appropriate for all of them (although sometimes Hinami didn’t get the jokes), and Hinami’s mother liked animated films with little talking animals or romances with happy endings.

Hinami used to like the animated films with talking animals too (and she still did, secretly), but now that she was getting _older_ and becoming a _woman_ she decided to choose a more appropriate film for her age group.

Hinami didn’t know what the movie was about, but the cover had two girls on it who looked like they were teenagers. One of them wore black and dark make up, and the other girl wore pink and had glossy lips. It looked like a mature movie for a mature woman, but she ended up falling asleep half an hour into the movie after the first girl went on a date.

Hinami spent the next morning taking notes from her math book while her mother prepared lunch.

“Here you go, Hinami,” her mother said to her, and placed a plate in front of her.

It was dripping red and raw, and Hinami knew that any normal girl her age would feel disgusted at the sight. The girls in the film would have been horrified. They would have squealed and cried and ran away.

But Hinami hadn’t eaten in two weeks, and she was hungry. It smelt delicious.

She had eaten meat countless times in her life, but this time felt tears drip down her cheeks as she ate. They mixed with the blood on the plate. It was the first time she felt like _she_ was the one who wasn’t normal.


	11. raid (fifteen)

A year after Anteiku, and Hinami didn’t think she’d still be foraging for even the most basic food. After years of living in relative peace, even after her parents died, did she ever think she would be lacking coffee. Water and coffee had always been in available supply, even when things were at their worst for the ghoul community. But now, Hinami feared for her the future of her species.

“Are you sure you can handle it, Hinami?” Yomo asked her.

She was fifteen now. Over a year had passed since her brother’s death. Of course she could handle it. But she recalled a time when she was thirteen, when she thought she could handle Takatsuki Sen’s books. She was wrong then. She wasn’t allowed to be wrong now.

“Of course I can handle it,” she said instead. It wouldn’t do to worry the man. He had enough responsibility on his shoulders. Between the CCG, Aogiri Tree, and the troublesome individuals wearing clown masks popping up at inopportune moments, they all had their hands full – Yomo most of all.

“It’s just a simple raid,” he said and she hated him for a moment for his choice of words, “it’s an in-and-out job. Ayato will be down the street at the corner café. Just make some noise if you need any help.”

It was hardly a raid, but Hinami wasn’t going to correct him. She had been hunting with Tsukiyama when she could get a spare moment for over a year. Stealing some instant coffee from a small café was hardly going to scare her now.

“Okay.”

The street was quiet since it was the middle of the night. All the commuters had long since gotten home and were in their beds asleep. The only souls still roaming around were university students and the homeless – and one fifteen year old girl.

Hinami never expected it to be a book café.

That night, Ayato had to rescue her.

Neither Ayato nor Yomo asked what had gone wrong. She almost wished they would.


	12. school (twelve)

Hinami remembered the first time she met Kirishima Touka.

“We’re here, Hinami,” her mother said and urged her inside.

Hinami didn’t get to leave home often. She loved her mother and her father, and was content with learning from her books, playing with her dolls, or drawing pictures for her father, but more than anything Hinami wanted to see more of the world.

This café had already broadened her world beyond measure. It was warm and comforting, and the smell of deep, rich coffee reminded her of sleepy Sunday mornings with her parents when her father didn’t have to work.

“Hello,” her mother greeted the kindly looking old man at the counter, “Yoshimura?”

“You must be Fueguchi?” The man looked warm and nice. Hinami thought he looked nice, like she imagined a grandparent would look.

“Call me Ryouko, and this is Hinami.”

Her mother pushed her forward from behind her legs.

“Hello,” Hinami squeaked and hid herself again.

“Ah, Hinami,” she heard a voice from further inside the café, “that’s a nice name. I wish my name was that cute.”

Hinami peeked from behind her mother’s skirt and saw the prettiest girl she had ever seen.

“My name is Kirishima Touka,” the girl introduced and held out her hand.

Hinami shook her reverently – no one wanted to shake _her_ hand – and smiled.

“I like your name,” she replied quietly. “It’s pretty, too.”

Touka smiled and nodded to a small table near the window.

“I have to do some homework, but do you want to help? It’s art and I’m not very good at it,” she admitted and laughed.

Hinami’s eyes went wide and she nodded quickly. “Yes! I love drawing, but I don’t know if I’m very good at it either. Father likes my drawings though.”

Later that night she cried into her mother’s shoulder as her father watched helplessly.

“I want go to school, mother, I want to learn and make friends and be a normal girl!”

That night she cried herself to sleep as her parents cried with her.


	13. haircut (seventeen)

“Sit still, Ayato,” Hinami admonished, careful to keep the scissors away from him as he squirmed. “I don’t want to cut you by accident.”

“I think you lie,” he accused and swatted her hand away as she ran it through his hair. “You can’t cut hair at all. You’re just trying to off me the only way you can.”

“Don’t be so fussy, you’re worse than a child.” She placed her hands on Ayato’s shoulders and pushed him down, showing a rare display of her strength. “I’m just going to trim the ends a little so it doesn’t look so messy. I promise I’m not going to hurt you.”

“That’s what my sister would say before she cut my ear,” Ayato replied petulantly. “Be careful, or I won’t trust you again.”

Hinami hummed as she tilted his head around to look at the state of his hair.

“I bet she only did that because you wriggled so much,” Hinami teased as she reached for the spray bottle. “Although I’m surprised Touka used to cut your hair. She did mine once, and it didn’t turn out well.”

Ayato was silent for a moment as Hinami wet the ends of his hair with the bottle.

“She didn’t do a very good job, usually,” he replied quietly. Hinami brushed a hand over his neck reassuringly before picking up the scissors again. “Father did it initially, but he would come home tired from hunting all day. Eventually, Touka had to take over.”

“My mother used to cut my hair,” Hinami replied as she snipped the ends off. “Papa was always hopeless with everything but medicine.”

They lapsed into a comforting silence as Hinami continued to trim the ends of Ayato’s hair.

When she first took over as resident hairdresser for the Anteiku survivors, she hadn’t been able to cope. Every time she stood behind Banjou or Touka and tried to remember what her brother had done with her made Hinami freeze up and start crying.

Years later and she had more or less mastered the art, although occasionally she still struggled with it.

Ayato had always been a tough one to crack, however. Hinami watched as the cut hair floated to the ground, a good four centimetres off the length.

“You shouldn’t have let it grow so long,” she said with a giggle. “You looked silly.”

“I did not,” he replied quickly. “I just don’t like it being too short.”

“It was longer than mine.”

“I _like_ it long.”

Hinami giggled again and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder before continuing.

After a while, Hinami set down the scissors and ran her fingers through Ayato’s hair gently, shaking the loose hair away. She leant down and rested her chin on his shoulder.

“How is that? I didn’t knick you, did I?”

“No,” he replied softly and smiled ever so slightly. “It’s good.”

“Do you think we’ll be ready soon?” Hinami asked softly into his ear after a moment. “I’m worried, a little. It’s taking a while.”

Ayato reached up and placed a comforting hand on the back of her head.

“Soon, I promise. We just need a little more time to prepare. Renji is helping, too,” he murmured back. “Don’t worry.”

“Tsukiyama has promised to help as well,” Hinami offered and bit her lip. “I know you don’t like him, but he’s helped me in the past. I think he’s trustworthy. Ever since what happened to brother…”

“I know. He might be a weird bastard but he’s a well connected one, and I know how he feels about you.” Ayato sighed. “We just need to be careful about who we tell.”

“I know,” she replied and ducked her head into the crook of his neck. “I just don’t want…”

“I know,” Ayato interrupted. “I promise. We’ll get away, Hinami. One day.”


	14. instinct (thirteen)

Hinami’s favourite days were those that Kaneki spent every moment with her. He usually spent all of his time out and about, either with Banjou or Tsukiyama, but other days he spent with Hinami doings things they both liked, like going to bookstores, or cafés. 

That day he took her to a little café much like Anteiku. It was warm and comforting, and it served good coffee, and provided books for its patrons to read while they sipped and enjoyed each other’s company. 

Although it wasn’t run by ghouls since Anteiku was one of a kind, it had the sort of atmosphere Hinami craved. It was welcoming and happy, and it felt like a home. 

While Hinami truly did feel that way at Anteiku, there were times when she wanted a different kind of life for herself where she wasn’t a ghoul, nor her parents, or Touka, or her brother. Then she could go to places like bookstore cafés and enjoy a creamy caramel latte with one of those cute strawberry cakes that looked like art but smelt like rotting, infected flesh. 

Regardless of her dreams however, Hinami still loved the place, and when her brother had announced that they were going to spend the day there, she was over the moon. 

“I just need to make a little detour, okay Hinami?” 

Hinami wilted slightly, apparently the trip really had sounded too good to be true. Nonetheless, she smiled and nodded because her big brother had enough to worry about without adding her feelings into the mix. Her emotions towards about a little café and a fake life weren’t important anyway, especially when it came to her brother’s goals. She would much rather stay quiet and be less trouble. 

The building her brother led them to was down an alleyway. It was nondescript and normal, and Hinami paid little attention to it. 

“Stay out here, okay?” her brother asked her. “I don’t trust these people with you.” 

Hinami smiled, knowing that she was still important to him, and stayed put. 

Only five minutes had passed, and the investigators had come out of nowhere. One second she was alone, and the next there were two investigators with their trademark polished silver briefcases in front of her shouting nonsense. 

They didn’t even know who she was, she realised, as one of them released their quinque. A forked, trident like weapon appeared from nothing before it was hurled at her. They kept yelling things about her brother, about Eyepatch, about Centipede. 

Nothing about Hinami. 

She squealed and ducked as the blade flew towards her. She felt the telltale rippling sensation from inside her, the feeling of her kakuhou below her shoulder blades contracting and expanding in a split second. Her koukaku was released and curled around her protectively before she could even think, twisting and curling like a living thing around the quinque before ripping it away as though it had devoured it. 

Another second passed before she could feel her lower back tingling and then all she could hear were screams. Her eyes were still closed, her head was still in her hands, but she knew her rinkaku was creating havoc. She had only released it once before, and she hadn’t been able to look away that time. 

Hinami refused to look up, even when the yelling stopped, when she felt her kagune still. She stayed curled up on the ground. 

“Hinami,” Kaneki murmured. “What… what happened…” 

She could smell blood everywhere, completely engulfing her senses, making her believe she was starved, that she hadn’t been fed in years instead of days. She let out a sob. 

“Bro-ther… I…’m hungry…” she whined, and cried. 

The crack of his finger, the bones breaking and reforming, was usually a sound that uncomforted her. The action made her remember when her brother was taken from her and that when he returned he just wasn’t the same person as when he left. He had been moulded into someone different, and the new tick he picked up always reminded Hinami that he wasn’t quite _her_ brother anymore. 

For some reason, this time it only made her relax as though all the bones in her body disappeared at once. She slumped downwards, into Kaneki’s arms, and cried. 

“You can sleep now,” she heard her brother say as she lost consciousness. “I’ll protect you.” 

When before she would have believed him entirely, she now hesitated at those words – as the blood from an investigator dripped from the pretty lavender dress her Flower Man had gotten her – and she believed him a little less. 


	15. limitations (sixteen)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have no internet at my new place and have moved heaven and earth to post this but here you go.

The man was snivelling and crying like a child who had been separated from his mother, like the world was going to end because of this simple fact. He was crying with the type of abandon you would only see on those with little to actually worry about. 

His eye shadow – and how truly strange a sight that was – had been smudged from his wet tears, and from his own hands rubbing at his eyes. She could barely see him with only the moonlight giving any exposure to the scene, but just the feel of the body pinned underneath her sent shivers down her spine.

“I’m not crying,” the ghoul insisted as Hinami watched him. Her rinkaku was thrust through his stomach, keeping him restrained on the floor whether he wanted to be there or not. She found his comment strange, although did not voice her thoughts. “I’m not, I just have dust in my eyes.” 

The man most certainly was crying, but appeared oblivious to the pain she was causing. Hinami didn’t like causing anyone pain, but had amended that sometimes it was necessary. 

“I never said that you were,” she replied carefully as she adjusted her lopsided mask, as it had been put on as soon as she realised there was someone else in her room. The butterfly façade provided by Uta had served her faithfully the last few years, but truthfully she most likely needed a new one. 

Masks needed to be discarded every few years or so, especially if one was a ghoul who had light to medium interaction with the CCG. Hinami took care to rarely reveal her unique kagune to anyone who could trace her, so as far as she knew the CCG knew, she – the daughter ghoul, Fueguchi, 745: whatever they were calling her these days in their dusty archives – was entirely separate from her current persona. When she was wearing her mask, she was simply an ordinary ghoul who had a penchant for butterflies. 

But she had been in the public eye more often than not lately, and popping up on the CCG’s radars next to names like Gourmet and Binge Eater and Rabbit was hardly what she needed to stay low and unnoticed. 

The ghoul underneath her shifted as she adjusted her disguise.

“Your mask is pretty,” he said wetly. “I like butterflies.”

Hinami questioned his intellect, and the use the Tree would have with a man like this, because surely this intruder was from there. She wondered if they would even notice that he had been killed. 

“I do, too,” she replied, but did not remove her kagune from his person. 

“They’re so pretty,” the man said dreamily, as though he was in an entirely different situation, and not impaled through the stomach. “Do you like them because they’re pretty?”

Hinami considered the man for a moment. He looked truly pathetic under her, and she seriously doubted his sanity. Such a ghoul loose on the streets of Tokyo would mean that not only her fellow ghouls would be in danger – for the Tree was no ally of theirs – but that humans would undoubtedly be destroyed according to the whims of a child in a man’s body. 

She intended to get rid of him from the beginning, as that was the decision she had made the second he had broken in and accosted her as she was sleeping, but was still debating the means as to how. 

Surely divulging some secrets beforehand would be harmless information to a dead man.

“My big brother was always associated with an insect while he was active,” she said carefully, for she was always careful these days. “I feel closer to him because of it.”

If anything, the man under her grew more agitated and distraught. 

“I had a big bro, too,” he wailed. “Big bro! I miss you, bro!”

Hinami forced her rinkaku deeper into his flesh as he began to squirm and wriggle ferociously, although she doubted it was because of the pain. At least, the physical pain. 

“Boss, boss, boss,” he began repeating. “Boss Yamori, I miss you, big bro. I do, I promise. I’ll kill him, I will, I swear I’ll kill him. That kid, the one with one eye, I’ll destroy him for you, big bro!”

As far as Hinami was concerned the man was insane. His sentences had become less amusing and more disturbing, yet something kept her from putting him out of his misery. 

“One eye?” she asked softly, but the man didn’t hear her. “What do you mean, ‘one eye’?” she demanded more firmly. 

The man looked up at her as though she had delivered him the worst news he could ever receive. 

“Boss Yamori,” he cried. “He was eaten by the boy with one eye – the half ghoul, the one with white hair. Ka…neki? He killed my boss, my bro, my Yamori,” he finished, and dissolved back to tears.

Hinami wasn’t sure if the emotion she felt could be called numb, or if she had simply stopped feeling all pain in regards to her beloved brother. But while she could not feel, she did understand.

The man underneath her had a brother named Yamori. The same Yamori who had kidnapped her brother, tortured him for a week, and left him in the condition that led to his death. 

It then occurred to Hinami rather vaguely how easy it would be to devour the ghoul underneath her. How poetic it would be if she ate him. If she sunk her underused teeth into his shoulder and ripped a chunk away, a piece away from him to nurture herself, one abandoned younger sibling to another.

She could continue, too. Hinami could devour every single scrap of flesh on the ghoul’s body, and then keep going. The Tree was full of ghouls that would do better in her stomach than they would on the streets. The thought excited her, and the idea of power made her mouth water. 

The thought of eating her own kind had once repulsed her in such an innate way, but now she truly wondered what other limits she could overcome with the right push.

She forced her kagune to twist and turn, and relished at the sound of the man under her crying out louder. Now he felt the pain, she observed coldly. Now she could eat him.

The man was crying loudly, Hinami opened her mouth, and the door to her bedroom burst open. 

“Hinami!” Ayato yelled as he ran into the room. He stopped and stood, stock still at the sight of her. 

It was almost as if she could see herself through his eyes. She was looking up at him, her nightgown had been ripped – and she felt a pang of sadness through her, as it was once her mother’s – and her mouth was open, saliva dripping out obscenely. There was blood everywhere – none of it was hers – and both of her eyes were matching red.

“Ayato?” she asked, softly and absently. “Where have you been?”

Ayato approached her carefully now that he could see the situation. She didn’t think that he had much reason to be worried, as the intruder was subdued. No harm had come to her. 

“I’ve been hunting, Hinami. You know that,” he replied as he crept ever closer. He eyed the man on the floor as though he knew him, or at least recognised him. “Why don’t you let him go? I can take over from here.”

Hinami knew Ayato thought her weak, emotionally although not physically. She had been hardened by loss but not by battle, and that made all the difference in his mind. But she was strong, she thought to herself. She would devour this ghoul and become even stronger. 

“No,” she replied firmly, more lucidly. “He’s mine. He’s my meal.”

Ayato made a noise at the back of his throat and stopped moving towards her. 

“Ghouls aren’t food, Hinami,” he said lowly, and deeply. As though he was fighting something back. His fists clenched. “Humans are food. Eating ghouls make us go insane.”

“Eating ghouls makes us _strong_ ,” she corrected him. “Big brother was so strong… so strong.”

“Your _strong_ big brother is dead, Hinami,” Ayato spat and started for her again. This time, he grasped her upper arm and pulled her up. The impaled segments of her kagune came with her, and ripped the flesh of the man even further. He continued to cry, but said nothing. “Nothing good comes from consuming our own kind.”

“But,” Hinami mumbled. “But big brother… ate ghouls. He protected me.” She didn’t feel so in control anymore. All of a sudden, the ghoul underneath her scared her to death.

“Kaneki protected no one,” Ayato said cruelly, and the ghoul on the floor let out a wail. “Not even himself. There are better ways to stay safe, Hinami. I’ll keep you safe, without resorting to the same methods Kaneki chose… the same ones my father chose. I promise you, Hinami.”

“Ayato,” Hinami said softly, as silent tears started to run down her cheeks. “Ayato, Ayato, please.” She didn’t know what she wanted.

Ayato did, however. He did not comfort her first, as that wasn’t the type of person he was, and instead walked around and crouched next to the man’s head. The blonde ghoul with the smudged eye shadow looked up at him pitifully before Ayato removed his head from his body. 

The sight of the headless man attached to her kagune sobered Hinami quickly. A scream bubbled in her throat before Ayato swiftly removed her from the corpse. Her rinkaku returned to her body, but her strength left her. Ayato grabbed her before she could fall. 

“I almost… I almost…” she repeated, in shock. “I almost ate him, ate… ate a ghoul, Ayato, what did I…”

“Don’t worry about it,” he murmured into her hair and rocked her back and forth without realising it. “It’s over now.”

Whatever had been blossoming between the two of them was still so new, so tender, that Ayato could hardly know how to comfort the girl he was growing to care for. He didn’t know that she needed to be wrapped up in a blanket and delivered a warm cup of coffee, a bad movie put on to ease her nerves. Her mother did it every time she felt scared. 

Ayato didn’t know that, but he was doing his best. Hinami was grateful, and felt what could only be love for the man holding her close.


	16. names (eighteen)

“Ayato?” she murmured. He hummed in response, his eyes already drooping shut from the afternoon sun streaming into their room on top of :Re. “Have you thought of any names yet?”

“Not really,” he replied tiredly. “Although the date is getting pretty close, isn’t it? We should probably start coming up with a list.”

“How about after one of our parents?” Hinami said gently, but after a moment she could hear his heartbeat beat faster from where her head was resting against his chest. “Depending on the gender.”

After a moment of silence, Hinami bit her lip, angry at herself for bringing it up. 

Hinami knew the subject was one to be carefully addressed in Ayato’s company. Despite their mutual losses, she knew that while on the outside it appeared that Ayato was never hurt by the death of his parents – his father especially – that it was actually the opposite.

Ayato felt things just as deeply as most, but deemed it more appropriate to keep it to himself. Sometimes, he kept his feelings even from her. 

That hurt her, sometimes. 

Hinami knew that the relationship between the Kirishima siblings was never going to be the way it was before their father disappeared, and that Ayato didn’t feel the need to attach himself to anyone willingly lest he be betrayed again – whether any actual betrayal would occur was beside the point. Arata’s disappearance, and Touka’s peaceful ideology in response was more than enough betrayal to Ayato. 

Those in the Tree were a family in their own twisted little way, Hinami supposed. They helped each other when told to, and resided in empty buildings and deserted tunnels together. She couldn’t deny their way of living anymore than her own, but at least she felt loved. But either way, she could never condone the way the Tree raised its soldiers. Ayato barely had a place to sleep without being targeted let alone the type of environment a young teenage boy needed.

So it was hardly a surprise when he told her that he never connected with anyone in Aogiri Tree. The closest could have perhaps been Tatara, whom he had shared some insightful conversations with, but the man wasn’t a comforting figure.

When she met Ayato, he hadn’t had a friend in years let alone someone to confide with. That kind of emotional groundwork meant that he was taciturn with his feelings at the best of times, and downright hostile at the worst.

She had to remind him time and time again that he was actually allowed to be vulnerable with her, that their relationships wouldn’t suffer for it, but become stronger instead.

But a few kind words on her behalf weren’t enough to uproot years of being told the exact opposite.

It wasn’t as though he never shared his feelings – he did that constantly. He bitched and moaned and complained as much as he could get away with before she would snap at him. It took Hinami years to understand him, but now she knew that it was being emotionally vulnerable that truly discomforted Kirishima Ayato.

This was what she was struggling with now.

“I don’t know,” he finally replied. “It might not be such a good idea.”

Hinami knew she was walking on eggshells. 

“I think it’s a nice idea. It would honour their memory,” she said slowly. 

“Wouldn’t it hurt, though?” he asked, and then winced. “I mean, if we named our kid after your mother wouldn’t you be reminded and be sad every day? I don’t want you to be sad.”

“Maybe, for a little while,” Hinami admitted. “But the love I still have for my mother outweighs any sadness I still hold over her death – my father, too. Their names would be a loving tribute more than anything.”

“I just… I don’t know,” he said quickly, stumbling over his words. He shifted, as though he was about to get up. Hinami placed a hand on his chest before he could move. 

“Please tell me?” she asked, looking him straight in the eyes. “I want to know. Please.”

He settled back down after a moment before speaking again, quietly.

“I’ve forgiven my dad, you know,” he finally said. Hinami listened intently, as she knew she was being given the gift of his vulnerability. “I now know why he did what he did – why he would leave every night, why he wanted us to blend in as much as possible. At the time I just thought he was weak, but now I know he was just trying to protect us the best way he could.”

Hinami watched as he took a deep breath in, and then hesitate. “Keep going,” she whispered and pressed a light kiss to his chest.

“But I don’t know if I could handle hearing his name every day – I don’t know if I could call my own kid his name and not feel… I don’t know. Something left over – sadness, or resentment. I don’t want my kid to already have an entire history before even being born.”

“What about your mother?” she asked quietly.

“My mother,” Ayato said, and it came deep from within him, as though he hadn’t said the words for centuries. “I don’t even remember my mother, she was killed by a Dove when I was just a baby. Maybe Touka remembers her a little, but I don’t.”

Hinami watched as he went quiet and blinked rapidly for a few moments. She placed a hand on his cheek and rubbed away a stray tear. 

“It’s okay to be sad, Ayato,” she reassured. “I mourned my parents for months – for years. I’m still mourning them. But you were never given a chance too, and before you knew it, you were angry rather than sad. I think you should be sad, for a while. We don’t have to name it after our parents, not if it would make you sad.”

Hinami watched as Ayato let out a little hiccup before tears started streaming down his face. She rolled herself out for a moment, wary of her belly, and plucked a few tissues for him. 

“I just want you happy,” she reassured. “That’s all I ever want.”

Ayato leaned up to kiss her when she grunted quietly. 

“What’s wrong?” he demanded as he watched her hold her stomach. “Are you okay?”

Hinami laughed, a little strained, and smiled. “I’m fine. The baby just decided to kick a little. Here, have a feel.”

She grabbed his hand and placed it on her stomach gently, and watched as his still wet face melted from concern to awe. 

“That’s amazing,” he murmured and tugged her to lie on him.

“You’re cute when you’re like that,” she said with a giggle.

“I just worry,” he mumbled into the top of her head. 

“Don’t,” she cautioned with a teasing smile. “I’ll be fine. My mother was younger than I was when she had me, so I think I’ll be okay.”

“Your father was a doctor.” Ayato pointed out, and frowned. “If I were a doctor I wouldn’t be worried.”

“But you’re not a doctor,” she replied. “You’re a very handsome boy who is very good at scaring people.”

“That’s not exactly a skill that a kid will appreciate.”

“But I appreciate it,” Hinami sung and giggled as he huffed. “It means that I can focus on the baby while you kick butt.”

Ayato groaned. “Don’t say that, it sounds so lame. I don’t _kick butt_ , I… I don’t know. I terrify and murder. _Kicking butt_ sounds like something from a bad movie.”

“I like bad movies – they’re funny.”

“I don’t. Bad movies mean you start running around acting like you’re an action hero trying to chase down a bad guy, and let me tell you, I don’t appreciate being the bad guy.”

“You can be the good guy next time,” Hinami offered with a sweet smile.

“I can’t be the good guy and beat up my pregnant wife. Touka would kill me.”

“Maybe Touka should be the good guy, and we could be the bad guys. Oh! Maybe we’re assassins who married each other, but we don’t know we’re both assassins? That sounds like fun.”

“You’re thinking of another bad movie, so no.”

Hinami went quiet after that, and simply basked in the attention she was receiving from her husband. 

“Maybe,” he said, interrupting the silence, “if she’s a girl, we could name her Ryouko… or Hikari.”

Hinami smiled softly and kissed his chest once more. “Maybe.”


	17. countdown (thirteen)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i took so long here have this overdue chapter that explains things like why everything is the way it is in this fic lmao

The beginning of the end was heralded with a mundane visit from Tsukiyama. 

Tsukiyama didn’t worry her, actually. Maybe he did in the past because her brother had always been wary and on guard around the man, but Hinami had never been told exactly why he was someone to be careful around. She had tried to ask her brother and Touka before she knew better, but neither had given her very concrete answers. 

Explanations like, ‘just don’t go near him’ and ‘he’s a shitty person’ were common. Hinami wasn’t entirely sure why, because Tsukiyama only ever tried to help. 

“Hello, little lady,” he greeted her at the apartment. 

_Little lady_ , Hinami thought mildly. It was a pleasant epithet to hear from someone as refined and cultured as Tsukiyama. 

“Tsukiyama?” she asked and looked up from her book. “If you’re looking for my brother, he isn’t here.” 

He usually did visit her brother, after all. She didn’t think it was too outrageous to assume that he was simply there to see Kaneki. 

“Non,” he replied smoothly. “I am here for you. Let’s go out for lunch, shall we?” 

The café was pretty and quaint, not unlike Anteiku, if without the same level of maintenance. They served nice coffee and even if she could never eat the little pastries in the cabinet she could appreciate how delicate and pretty they looked. 

Hinami wondered if it was because she had been in the presence of such a sophisticated man, that the addition of Tsukiyama at her side made her a little bolder than usual when her favourite author approached her table. 

She was only a child, really. What use did she have with a business card? Sure, Tsukiyama had gifted her with everything a young girl could possibly want like pretty dresses, warm coats, petite shoes, and a little brown handbag that looked so grown up with the matching wallet. 

(She was thankful to him for providing her with everything, even though she knew it was another way for him to get on her brother’s good side. When Kaneki had seen the bags Tsukiyama had brought over, they sparred for an extra hour. A very small part of her was bitter but she pushed it away before either of them reappeared.) 

So it wasn’t like she had no place to put the author’s card, but somehow she ended up clutching it for hours, keeping it close to her person at all times. 

“What do you have there, little lady?” Tsukiyama asked as he sat down. She had forgotten he had left to go to the bathroom. She was dimly aware he had taken quite a while. 

“It’s nothing,” she replied softly, yet a little coldly. Her dining companion didn’t seem to notice. 

She wasn’t sure if that relieved her, or made her even bitterer. 

— 

Her brother said that they were going back to Anteiku – all of them – her brother, herself, Banjou and Ichimi, Jiro, and Sante. Even Tsukiyama. They were all going home. 

It was too good to last. 

— 

Hinami was looking down at the inconspicuous business card Takatsuki Sen had given her when Nishiki entered the alleyway. 

“What’s up?” Banjou asked him, immediately jumping to his feet. Ichimi, Jiro, and Sante quickly followed suit. “Did you find him?” 

“I’ve got no idea where Kaneki’s ran off to, but I wouldn’t hold out much hope. You know Anteiku is destroyed, right?” 

“Of course we know that!” Banjou exclaimed. “Everyone knows that. Every street is blocked off for miles, the CCG are everywhere. I just want to know where Kaneki is.” 

“If I knew where Kaneki was I’d tell you, okay? But I don’t – no one does.” Nishiki sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. “But I know where Tsukiyama is if that helps. He’s on a rooftop a few blocks from here.” 

Banjou scowled, and opened his mouth to reject the offer, but Hinami saw his expression and took over quickly. 

“Could you take us to him, please?” she asked, and placed the business card back into the pocket of her dress. She would look at it later. Much later. She had to be strong now. 

Nishiki shrugged. “Sure. But he’s not going to be a lot of help right now. Kind of out of it.” 

“That’s okay,” she reassured him. “We’ll look after him.” 

She had meant it when she said it, that she would make sure they sheltered Tsukiyama as he did for them six months ago, but as she looked down at him she wasn’t sure she was entirely equipped to. 

“Is he okay?” Banjou asked reluctantly. “He looks dead.” 

“He’s not dead,” Nishiki promised and deposited a can of coffee in front of Tsukiyama’s face. The man took no notice. “He’s just sad.” 

Yes, Hinami thought as she looked down at his face. Just sad, but everyone was sad. She looked up at Nishiki and saw that even he was a little saddened by what had happened. Perhaps less so because of Kaneki and Anteiku, but because now he was compromised, and if he was compromised so was his precious person. 

“We can look after him,” she repeated to Nishiki gently. The man looked up in surprise. “Really. You can go see Kimi now.” 

The man looked relieved, but the sadness remained. Hinami doubted it would retreat for quite a while yet. Years, even. 

“Thanks, Hinami,” he said fondly and ruffled her hair. “I don’t know how much use I’ll be, but I’ll be in touch if you need anything, okay? Just as long as it isn’t stupid and dangerous.” 

Hinami laughed through her own sadness and nodded as she felt another sliver of her second life drift away. “Thank you.” 

Banjou was struggling with Tsukiyama’s dead weight, and Nishiki was halfway to the ladder when he turned around. 

“Oh, hey,” he called out. “Yomo took Touka to his house in the 14 th ward. If you drop by Helter Skelter Itori should be able to tell you where it is.” 

Hinami looked towards Banjou for assistance. 

“I know where it is,” he replied hesitantly after a moment. “It shouldn’t take more than thirty minutes if we can take a car.” 

Hinami nodded, and Nishiki left. 

— 

Helter Skelter was a tucked away bar in the seedier area of the 14th ward. It wasn’t overly large or ostentatious, but Hinami could appreciate the faint smell of blood wine the clung to the place. 

(In their richer moments, a lifetime ago, Hinami’s family indulged in a bottle when they could. While Hinami had never been allowed to touch the drink, the scent often permeated their whole apartment and left Hinami feeling soft and drowsy. She would fall asleep to the smell of blood and her parent’s gentle whispers in the other room. She had always been fond of it, even now.) 

“You must be Hinami,” the woman named Itori greeted her. To Hinami she smelt as though she bathed in the blood wine. “It’s a pleasure to meet you. I always tried to get Kaneki to bring you around, but he was so intent on squirrelling you away I could never convince him!” 

“It’s a pleasure to meet you too,” Hinami murmured as Banjou shuffled around the room impatiently. She knew he was uncomfortable leaving Ichimi, Jiro, and Sante with Tsukiyama – albeit catatonic – in their stolen car, but at the same time he refused to allow her to enter the bar alone. “I can’t stay for long, though.” 

“Oh?” Itori asked slyly with a giggle. “Does this perhaps have something to do with that pesky little raid on Anteiku?” 

“Hey,” Banjou interjected. “We’re not here for any trouble.” 

“And I’m not looking to start any either, honey,” she sung, still smiling. “I’m just curious about why you’re here.” 

“The residence of Yomo Renji,” Hinami said calmly. “Please.” 

Itori looked at her pensively. “Why should I give you his address?” 

Banjou went to say something again, but Hinami spoke before him hoping to save the situation. 

“Please, Itori,” she said and finally felt the calm façade she donned hours ago begin to crack. She slipped a hand into the pocket of her coat and fingered the business card. It was be _so_ easy to run, to find a phone, to ring Takatsuki Sen and have someone else take all the responsibility away from her. Hinami took a breath in. “Please – we have nowhere to go. I just want to see my sister.” 

Hinami watched as Itori struggled with herself for a moment more before sighing and slipping behind the bar. 

“Alright,” she said heavily as she pulled out a pen and pad. “But he better not get angry with me!” 

Hinami sighed in relief and felt the tension begin leave her body. Her hand crushed the card in her pocket, but Hinami didn’t care. They were going to be safe. 

— 

Hours later in Yomo’s warm apartment with her head on her sister’s lap, Hinami felt her eyes start to well up with tears as all of her bravery and courage finally left her. When the tears started to fall, and Touka’s hand started stroking her hair, Hinami felt she couldn’t stop – that she would never stop crying. 

“It’ll be okay, Hinami,” Touka murmured. “He’ll be okay. He will come back to us.” 

Hinami looked over at Banjou – poor, exhausted Banjou – who was asleep on the sofa with three sleeping figures curled up around him. She looked over towards the other sofa and watched as the prone Tsukiyama stared at the ceiling, not even the smell of fresh meat rousing him from wherever he had retreated to. Then she looked at Yomo where he sat at his kitchen table. She doubted that he had ever had more than three people in his apartment at a time. He looked overwhelmed, exhausted, and unsure. 

“We’ll be okay,” Hinami replied through her tears. 

_We will be okay_ , she thought sadly. _But brother will never be okay again._


	18. studying (sixteen)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> for ayahinaweek day 3, studying! check out the rest on [my tumblr](http://centipede.co.vu/tagged/ayahinaweek)

“You know what?” Ayato said after an hour of silence. He dropped his book into the coffee table. “I’m just not going to read anymore. I don’t need to read.”

“You need to read, Ayato,” Hinami murmured from her prone position on the couch, not taking her eyes off her own book. “I know you can – you just don’t like practicing.”

“Your books are boring,” he groaned and pushed her feet off his lap before standing up and stretching. “You call me morbid for killing some humans – for _food_ – but then turn around and call this shit normal?” He gestured to the book – Takatsuki’s debut – and grimaced. “That’s disgusting.”

Hinami rested her book against her chest. “Don’t be mean, Ayato.” She poked his hip with her foot. “You have to read _a_ book, or else Touka will give you the annoying jobs again.”

Ayato huffed and sat back down on the couch before flopping to the side – right on top of her legs.

“Ayato!” Hinami squeaked. “Watch where you’re lying!” She squirmed as he rested his head on her thighs.

“You’re comfy,” he mumbled. “Don’t move – I’m gonna have a nap.”

“You can’t nap now, we have to study math next.” She was sure she looked as red as she felt by now. The summer heat had forced her to dig out the lone pair of shorts she had in her wardrobe, resulting in Ayato’s cheek pressed against the skin of her thigh. “Ayato,” she whined.

“Be quiet, you’re being annoying,” he said and grabbed her hip to still her. “Let’s just go to bed.”

Hinami sighed. “But want to read my book, unlike you.”

“Fine,” Ayato groaned. “Read your book, just let me sleep. I was up early practicing with Yomo.”

“Not with Touka?” Hinami asked hesitantly. She started to run her fingers through his hair to soften the question. “I know she’s been getting a lot stronger recently.” Ayato mumbled something into her thigh, but she couldn’t hear him. “Pardon?”

Ayato groaned and used his legs to push himself up higher so his head was resting on her stomach. The movement pushed her lacy top up, so her stomach was bare.

“I said,” he spoke into her stomach, “that she can do what she wants. I don’t care.”

Ayato’s move had placed him directly in between the cradle of her legs. She could barely even pay attention to what he was saying; her heart was beating so fast.

“Hey,” Ayato said, lifting his head up to look at her. “Don’t freak out. I know you’re freaking out.” He rested his head against her stomach again. “Keep playing with my hair.”

Hinami let out a nervous laugh. “Tell me something,” she murmured after a moment, still carding her fingers through his hair. “Something no one else knows.”

“You already know more than anyone else does,” he said, although she couldn’t see his face she could feel his lips move against her skin. Hinami didn’t bother stopping her flush.

“Okay, then tell me something you couldn’t tell anyone else.”

Ayato exhaled. Hinami shivered, waiting. “You make me happy,” he replied quietly, “happier than I’ve been in years.”

Hinami swallowed against the lump in her throat. “Same,” she stuttered out. “I feel the same.” Ayato didn’t reply, but instead turned his head and pressed a kiss into the skin of her stomach. “Ayato?” she squeaked as he pressed more and more, up and up.

He stilled just below her chin and smirked into her neck. “Your turn,” he murmured.  “Tell me something no one else knows.”

“I, uh.” She stumbled over her words. “Um, I, I haven’t been kissed before?” she said, and felt embarrassment flood through her next to the nerves.

Ayato laughed and kissed her neck. “Everyone knows that, idiot.”

Hinami huffed and fought back a giggle. Her neck was ticklish. “Okay then. Um,” she hummed, but felt her mind going blank as he continued kissing her, now moving up to under her jaw. “Stop that! I can’t think.”

Ayato huffed a laugh, but stopped anyway. “Go on.”

Hinami was quiet and for a moment before she steeled her nerves and tilted Ayato’s head up to hers. “I want to kiss you,” she murmured. “All the time.”

Ayato smirked, stretched upwards, and kissed her. As he pulled back, he laughed.

“Everyone knew that, too.”


	19. :re (fifteen)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long wait, my friends! i have another chapter already written but that's a few chapters away. in the meantime, get hype for the next two chapters titled 'arima' & 'hide' respectively! ;)

At fifteen, Hinami had already experienced many different homes. She still remembered her parents’ home fondly, as well as her temporary homes at Anteiku and Tsukiyama’s apartment. After the raid, their homes were slightly less frequent although Hinami tried to keep her feelings to herself. Days of jumping from one safe house to another in the different Tokyo wards began to wear on her very quickly. They never knew where their next meal was going to come from, and Hinami spent much of each day in small spaces, cramped, waiting for Yomo or Touka or Ayato to return.

It was Ayato who ended the vicious cycle.

“There’s a place on the outskirts of Toshima where I think we could lay low for a while,” he said to her one night. “It’s kind of run down, but I think it’s abandoned. We could turn it into something nice.”

Hinami sighed and pulled her pilfered coat closer around herself. They were huddled close – well, as close as Ayato allowed – on the ground, a tattered blanket keeping them from the freezing concrete floor. “Anything would be better than this,” she whispered.

It was true, though. Being on the run with nowhere to go didn’t leave them with many options. Their safe haven for the night was a dilapitated greenhouse that had seen better days, although it was clearly still in use. At least the roses smelled nice.

Ayato tsked. “This place could actually be livable. It’s near Ikebukuro, so it’ll be easy to slip in with the humans.”

“You think so?” Hinami asked, yawned and closed her eyes. She didn’t open them when Ayato pulled her closer, she was just thankful. “You should tell Yomo and Touka then.”

Ayato made a noncommital noise, something just to plactate her, but it sent her to sleep regardless.

—

The next time they talked about the place in Ikebukuro was when they were physically moving in.

Of course, that night Hinami had entirely suspected that Ayato would ignore her suggestion and never even think about telling his sister about it. It wouldn’t be out of character of him to pretend that his sister didn’t even exist.

She had fallen asleep, not looking forward to the next empty and run down place they were going to stay in while the heat died down around Anteiku, and didn’t think any more about it.

“Jeeze, Hina,” Ayato complained when she asked where they were going to sleep that night. “Don’t you ever listen? I told you, we’re going to that place in Toshima.”

“The place in Toshima… that place you mentioned the other night?” she asked, shocked. “You talked to Touka?”

“Yes, dummy,” Ayato grumbled and looked away. “I talked to her. Yomo’s already scouted ahead and given the all clear, and we’re moving today, okay? So don’t forget anything important.”

—

The place that Ayato was talking about was barely livable, even for desperate ghouls. Set in the industrial sector on the outskirts of Ikebukuro, it had clearly been ignored for years. Hinami adjusted her bag and watched as Touka walked up to the brick façade, inspecting it.

It was hard to see in the dead of night, even with her eyes, but it looked like the building was crumbling.

“Kind of run down for a permanent place,” Touka muttered to herself. “It’s nothing like how Anteiku was…”

“It’s perfect,” Yomo interrupted as he and Ayato walked out of the front door. “No one will think to look for us here – not so close to Ikebukuro.”

(Hinami saw Ayato look down and flush with pride at that statement, and hid a smile in her hand.)

“It’ll be nice,” Hinami said quietly and drew their attention to her. “I just mean, it’ll be nice to have a home again… after so long.”

Touka smiled and threw an arm around her shoulders. “It will be, won’t it? We can even make it into a café like Anteiku, maybe.”

Hinami sighed happily and hid her face in Touka’s shoulder.

“I’d like that,” she admitted. “I want a place for Big Brother to return, when he wants to,” she said, ignoring the pang in her chest that said he might never come home, he might not even _want_ to.

Hinami watched as Ayato and Yomo talked in hushed tones about what needed to be done to the place – plumbing, plastering, water damage – a slew of things that Hinami couldn’t even begin to understand, and felt the ache in her chest finally give way to a little sliver of happiness.

“A place to return, huh?” Touka mused and hugged her closer. “Sounds like a good idea.”


End file.
